The Most Epic Birthday Party EVAR
by AintFraidaNoGhosts
Summary: This is what would happen when you put all of the authors in one room with chocolate, Arbor Mist, and the Doctor and Rose. Happy Birthday, scifigeekgirl! Co-authored with who in whoville, timelord1, and callistawolf


"Cake?" Marilyn asked, not tearing her gaze from the clipboard in her hand.

"Check!" Stephanie replied. She placed a gorgeous cake on the table, decorated in swirls of blue and white.

"Decorations?"

"Check!" Jan answered from her spot on the stepladder. She attached the last sparkly blue streamer to the ceiling.

"Music?"

Rather than a reply, a thumping bass began reverberating through the suite and the five-part boy band harmony assaulted everyone's ears.

"LINDSAY!" Marilyn shouted over the din. "I SAID NO 'N SYNC!"

Pouting, Lindsay turned to the stereo and switched it over to the less offensive stylings of Frank Sinatra. "You all clearly have no taste."

Ignoring her, Marilyn turned back to the clipboard. "Snacks?"

The three other women glanced at one another nervously.

"Snacks?" she repeated, sending each of her friends a glare that could set fire to an igloo. "Who had snacks? I swear, if any of you forgot the snacks I'll..."

"I think snacks were yours, Marilyn," Stephanie piped up as she pressed blue candles into the cake.

"I remember that conversation," Jan offered. "But then I said the words 's'mores stuffed chocolate chip cookies' and I think most of us lost our trains of thought."

"I still say that those words should not exist in the same sentence," Lindsay muttered.

"I'm surprised the universe hasn't imploded from the amount of awesome in this room. All of us and s'mores stuffed chocolate chip cookies?" Jan told her.

"Wait a minute!" Marilyn interrupted. "First of all, Jan...I know, right?" The friends all shared a smile. "Also, when we said 'snacks,' I must have misheard and thought 'wine.'"

"Oh, _that's_ why there are 17 bottles of Arbor Mist in the fridge..." Steph mused.

"It's okay, there's enough chocolate in this room to last us the next millennia," Lindsay told them, coming away from the stereo. "When is Kelly due?"

Before anyone could reply, a knock sounded at the door and the four friends shared a giddy look. They all gathered around the door and, grinning, Marilyn flung it open and they all called out "SURPRISE!"

"Hello!"

Four sets of jaws dropped simultaneously.

"That's...impossible..." Steph gasped.

"There's no way," Marilyn added.

"Can't be..." Jan said.

"Are we drunk already?" Lindsay asked.

"OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS ARE HERE? AND GOT ME THE DOCTOR AND ROSE?"

Everyone turned and saw their friend Kelly standing next to their two unexpected guests and beaming happily.

"Doesn't look like there's any alien signature here, Doctor," Rose told him.

"Nonsense, Rose, the sonic never lies! Don't mind if we come in, do you ladies?" Without waiting for an answer, the Doctor pushed his way into the suite and followed the beeping of the sonic into the kitchen.

While they were occupied, the five friends looked at each other and broke out into simultaneous squeals.

"OHMYGOD OHMYGOD HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?!" Lindsay screeched.

"And there's the TARDIS! Oh, I want one for my house!" Jan said excitedly and ran to the large, familiar blue box in the hall.

"Is this real life?" Marilyn asked as they chased after.

"I don't think so...but I guess it must be!" Kelly replied, beaming.

"Do you think they're...you know...having mad makeout sessions yet?" Lindsay asked.

They peeked back into the room, where the Doctor had taken one of the many bottles of Arbor Mist out of the fridge and was scanning it with his sonic. Rose was standing off to the side, eyeing the bowls of chocolate candies and the s'mores stuffed chocolate chip cookies.

"Nah," everyone chorused in unison.

"Guys, we _have _to get them together!" Steph said excitedly. "How cool would it be if they made out RIGHT IN FRONT OF US? Think of how jealous everyone in the Gutter would be!"

"So how're we gonna manage that?" Jan asked.

"Well, we could just go talk to them..." Kelly suggested.

"Oh, that _never _works!" Marilyn told her.

"First of all, let's make sure the TARDIS knows that they'll need to stay for a bit," Jan said. "Whaddya say, huh? You on our side with this?"

The light at the top of the ship grew a bit brighter and everyone grinned happily. They made their way back into the room and immediately located the Doctor and Rose beaming at one another proudly.

"Mystery solved!" the Doctor told them. "Turns out _this..._" He held up the bottle of Arbor Mist. "Is a decidedly alien substance. Nothing to worry about, of course, completely harmless, but that is how it manages to be delicious AND get you silly humans completely sloshed. Well, our job it done! Lovely to meet you all, but we really must be going..."

"Wait, Doctor!" Marilyn interrupted. "I, um...don't think your ship wants to leave."

"Yeah, the TARDIS told is that you two should stay for the party. It's Kelly's birthday after all!" Lindsay said.

"Hold on, hold on...my _ship _told you this?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yes!" Steph replied and everyone nodded in agreement.

"I don't know, Doctor, it sounds a bit odd..." Rose said, eyeing the women cautiously.

"Oh come on, it's not like we're trying to get a piece of that," Lindsay replied, gesturing to the Doctor.

"And I made s'mores stuffed chocolate chip cookies!"

"Really, you aren't trying to get a piece of...hold on," the Doctor said, staring wide-eyed at Jan. "Did you say s'mores stuffed chocolate chip cookies? Rose, really, couldn't hurt to stay for a little while..."

"YAY!" everyone screeched.

"I'm Stephanie, by the way."

"Lindsay!"

"Jan, how you two doin'?"

"Marilyn, and I'm not quite sure yet about the 'getting a piece of that' comment..."

"And I'm Kelly..."

"Well, then, happy birthday to you, Miss Kelly!" the Doctor said excitedly. "Now, if you could kindly point us in the direction of those cookies..."

KK * KK * KK

"Okay, now what's the plan?" Marilyn asked when the Doctor and Rose were distracted.

"This seems so easy in the fics..." Steph whispered as the five friends observed the Doctor and Rose playfully arguing over one of the s'mores stuffed cookies.

"Well, real life is obviously much more complicated," Lindsay replied, rubbing her fingertips over her temples.

"I think this whole thing is complicated," Marilyn muttered, pouring out several glasses from the giant bottle of strawberry kiwi Arbor Mist.

"And I'm not entirely sure this is real life," Jan said.

"Guys," Kelly added. "We really could just _talk _to them..."

The other four women looked at her and smiled with only a hint of condescension. "Oh, Kelly...you so crazy!" Jan offered cheerfully.

"Wait! I've got it!" Lindsay suddenly hopped up from the table and rummaged around in her purse, pulling out her sparkly blue wallet and yanking a card from one of the pockets. "I'm an ordained minister! Let's 'accidentally' marry them!"

"I don't know, Linds..." Kelly began.

"Trust us, Kelly," Marilyn patted her hand. "What could possibly go wrong?"

"Exactly!" Lindsay grinned and tossed back her hair attempting to look confident but only managing to whack herself in the eye and mutter once again about needing a hair cut. "Doctor! Rose! Do you mind helping me with something?"

"Always happy to help, Rose and I! Don't even have to ask twice!" He grabbed Rose's hand and tugged her over to where everyone was gathered around the table. "What can we do?"

"Well, see, I'm an ordained minister and I'm presiding over my friend's wedding in a couple of weeks. Do you two mind running through the ceremony with me? I could really use the practice!"

"I dunno," Rose said, eyeing her suspiciously. "Doesn't seem like something you should be doing at your friend's birthday party."

Kelly, who had thunked her head down on the table, glanced up at them and smiled kindly. "No, it's fine. Go ahead!"

"It's always a good time for a wedding, Rose!" The Doctor grinned at her and held onto both of her hands. "Just let us know if we're doing this right!"

Lindsay grinned triumphantly. "That's perfect! Okay, just want to make sure I've got this memorized." She cleared her throat. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have gathered together among family and friends to witness the wedding of the Doctor and Rose-"

"Oi!" Rose protested. "I thought this was for your friend!"

"Oh, Rose," the Doctor shook his head. "We have to make it _realistic! _Go on then, Miss Lindsay!"

"Thank you, Doctor," Lindsay replied. "Anyway, we have gathered together among family and friends to witness the wedding of the Doctor and Rose. The bride and groom have chosen to share certain words with you...this is when the readings will happen..."

"Bit quick, isn't it?" Rose asked.

"Oh, they wanted a short ceremony," she replied dismissively. "Anyway, the readings will happen, and then I'll continue. May I have the rings please?"

When no one responded, she shot a sharp glare to the other ladies. "I _said..._" she nearly growled. "'May I have the rings please?'"

"Oh!" The Doctor exclaimed, reaching into his coat pockets and, after rooting around for a few minutes, pulled out two gold bands. "Here we are. Bipdampers always work in a pinch. For the sake of authenticity." He winked at Lindsay, who flushed brilliantly.

"Thank you," she said. "Now, as I was saying...this is where I bless the rings..." She took the rings in her hands and murmured a few quiet phrases over them. "Now, Doctor, please take this ring..."

"I'd be delighted!" he replied jovially as he plucked the smaller of the rings from her palm.

"And repeat after me...'With this ring, I thee wed..."

"With this ring," he said, grinning as he slid the ring onto Rose's finger. She smiled as well, her eyes suspiciously shiny. "I thee wed..."

"And with it, I bestow upon thee..."

"And with it, I bestow upon thee..."

"All the treasures of my mind, heart, and hands."

He repeated the final words with a happy smile.

"And Rose, now you..."

Rose repeated the actions and words. By the time she had slid the ring onto the Doctor's finger, she was beaming.

Everyone held their breath. This was the moment. All Lindsay had to do was pronounce them man and wife and they could just get on with all the making out they could stand.

"And now, by the power vested in me by the state of..." Lindsay's head shot up as the words left her lips. Her eyes darted around at her friends. "What state are we in again?"

"Georgia, Lindsay," Marilyn pointed out. "Remember, we came to visit Kelly for her birthday? Or did you forget that we almost got kicked out of the airplane in mid-flight for giggling too much?"

Ironically, Lindsay giggled. "'Course I do...AW DAMMIT!" she suddenly exclaimed, stomping off to one of the bedrooms in a huff.

"What is it? Did we do something wrong?" The Doctor turned to them, looking concerned.

"Ah," Jan told them. "Lindsay's from Pennsylvania."

"So?" Rose asked.

"She's only licensed to perform marriage ceremonies there."

The friends around the table groaned loudly and a loud "THUNK" rang through the room as each forehead simultaneously hit the smooth wood of the table.

"Why the long faces?" the Doctor asked, tucking his hands in his pockets and suspiciously not removing the biodamper. "Not like it was real..."

"Yeah, it was just to help her, after all..." Rose added.

Everyone's heads perked up, and Lindsay peeked out from the bedroom. There was no mistaking it...they _definitely _sounded disappointed.

Perhaps there was hope yet for their two unexpected guests...

KK * KK * KK

"Right," Jan said, tossing back a rather pungent shot. "Time to call in reinforcements."

"We have reinforcements?" Steph asked.

"I thought I left mine in my other jeans," Marilyn quipped.

"Nononono," Jan said, blinking slowly thanks to the aforementioned shot. "It's time to summon the four hottest guys we know to flirt with Rose to make the Doctor jealous. That right there is foolproof!"

Steph nodded suspiciously. "Seems there's a lot more _fool_ than foolproof in all of this."

Kelly raised her head once more. "It's like watching a car wreck in slow motion."

"What hot guys?" Lindsay asked, poking her head out of the bedroom.

Jan waggled her eyebrows and pulled out her phone. "Ken, it's time. Summon the husbands."

Lindsay beamed. "Oh, THOSE hot guys!"

Faster than you could say UST, the door to the hotel suite banged open and Kile, Ken, Justin and Chad dashed into the room as a group, striking poses that might've looked impressive on comic book superheroes, but just came off looking a bit silly.

"Never fear, the husbands are here!" Ken cried.

"What's the emergency, ladies?" Chad asked, deepening his voice to make it sound as impressive as possible.

"Whatever it is you need, you know you can count on us," Kile added, folding his arms across his chest.

"They've been drinking," Justin said.

"Okay," Jan said, clearly masterminding this part of the evening. "You guys see that girl over there? You need to go hit on her, so you can make the guy with her jealous."

"That's the Doctor!" Justin cried.

Chad snorted. "You mean they're not together yet? What is their problem?"

Kile leaned against a nearby potted plant, attempting to appraise Rose's bum without anyone noticing. The smack to the back of his head clearly indicated that Marilyn had noticed.

"I can't flirt with her!" Ken cried, much louder than was necessary. "I love YOU!"

Kelly didn't even raise her head when she spoke this time. "This is going well."

Emboldened by such a rousing pep talk, the men sauntered over in a group and surrounded Rose.

"Subtle," Kelly moaned, and began banging her head against the table.

"Say," Justin began, leaning in towards Rose. He was a bit wobbly because of the copious amounts of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Vodka he'd been drinking, and had to throw his arms around Rose's waist to keep from falling.

"That's my man," Lindsay said, winking at the girls. "Dives right in."

"Anyway," Justin went on. "Did you...are you...heaven knows you're a thief right? Because you're the angel who stole my heart or something."

Rose blinked several times. "Thanks?"

"No no no, hold on a second," Kile said, tugging Justin out of the way. He gave Rose his best leisure suit smile. "What's your sign? Mine says 'I'm all yours.'"

Marilyn rolled her eyes. "That one's all mine."

"Aren't you nice?" Rose offered, taking a hesitant step backward.

"What's all this?" the Doctor asked, approaching the group.

"Hey there, sailor," Ken said, giving the Doctor the eye. "How YOU doin?"

"Erm..." the Doctor managed.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jan cried from behind a ficus.

"I thought...you said...flirt...make her jealous?" Ken asked the wrong tree.

"Aw to hell with this," Chad said. "Rose, isn't it obvious? You and the Doctor should just..."

"GET SOME MORE SNACKS!" Steph cried, tackling Chad out of the way. When she'd pinned him to the ground, she glared at him. "What are you doing? Just say it outright? Are you insane?"

"Yes," Chad said. "Because who would want common sense barging in on this night and ruining things?"

"All right," Jan muttered, dragging Ken away from the Doctor before things got weird. "Husbands were a fail. Who's got another idea?"

KK * KK * KK

"All right. It's time we stopped playing around," Jan said, her hands on her hips.

"Agreed. These two are driving me _crazy_," Steph agreed.

"Never fear, ladies," Marilyn said, a smug grin on her face. She held up a bag from the hotel's boutique. "I have the solution!"

"What is it?" Kelly asked, sounding more apprehensive than excited.

Marilyn reached into the bag pulled out a scrap of red material. She held it up proudly and the other ladies squinted at it, confused. "It's a bikini!" she finally cried, rolling her eyes.

"Ohhhh," four other voices said in unison.

"What I'll do is suggest we all go take a friendly dip in the pool downstairs. And hey, how handy, we have swimsuits right here. I grabbed some trunks for the Doctor as well. I trust you ladies packed your suits?" Everyone nodded.

"I see what you're saying," Lindsay enthused. "Once the Doctor gets a look at Rose wearing this bikini, he'll be desperate to kiss her!"

Everyone thought this sounded like a great plan. Everyone except Kelly that is. "This seems like a pretty cheap ploy, guys," she warned.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Jan replied.

"And I have a little... _insurance_ on this one. There is no way that we'll fail this time!" Marilyn predicted.

*KK*KK*KK*

"Okay, that did _not_ go how I was expecting it to," Steph said breathlessly. The four women had just run into one of the bedrooms in the hotel and were now hiding from a very upset Doctor.

Everything had been going just fine. Both the Doctor and Rose had been excited to go take a dip in the pool and even though Rose had raised a questioning eyebrow at the tiny bikini that had been handed to her, she'd gone along with things nicely. Everyone had been in high spirits on the way down and the Doctor and Rose had been anxious to get into the pool.

Marilyn had shared with the other women that she had sabotaged Rose's bikini top. She had replaced some of the stitches with dissolving thread. Once Rose got in the pool, the strap would come loose and, ta-da! Accidental nudity! It was sure to work. The Doctor would certainly not be able to resist her after an eyeful of topless Rose.

And it had gone amazingly to plan. The bikini top had indeed come loose and Rose had shrieked as she surfaced from under the water without her top. However, the Doctor had very studiously not looked at his now clothing-challenged companion. He had ushered her quickly from the pool, her arms crossed tightly over her chest, and covered her with his towel.

Then he'd glared at the four of them and it was clear that he'd suspected them of booby trapping the bikini.

"That definitely could have gone better," Marilyn agreed.

"Anyone else have any brilliant ideas?" Jan asked.

"No! I've about had about enough of those two!" exclaimed Marilyn. "They are the two thickety-thick thickest people in the universe! And I don't think he's from Gallifrey, he's from Thickania! And so is his dad!" exclaimed Marilyn.

"That was insensitive, Marilyn," chastised Kelly.

"Ladies, um, what's behind that door over there?" asked Steph, taking a swig of pineapple-papaya flavored Arbor Mist.

"Dunno," said Jan. "Why don't you look, or has that third glass of Arbor Mist turned your legs to rubber?"

"I resent that accusatory accusation. I'm completely sober, for your inmorfation!" she screeched, slamming down the the glass of pink wine-like beverage. "See, I'll show you just how undrunk I am." Steph stood up and slowly walked across the room, exaggerating her non-staggering. She opened the door, and the aroma of ammonia and lemon-fresh scented cleaning supplies hit her in the face. It was the janitorial supply closet for the lavish suite.

"Just some cleaning supplies 'n stuff. A vacuum, a blue bucket, a red one, a stinky mop..." catalogued Kelly.

"Oh, and that isn't a closet, for your _further_ inmorfation, that's a _cup-board_," Steph proudly enunciated. "I learned that reading fic. And you know what else I learned reading fic? What cupboards are good for." The comment was left hanging in the air. "Aw, come on ladies, you know the drill! They get locked in the cupboard and it's small..." she prompted. "And it's tight...and it's cozy...and-"

"Oh! I get it! We lock 'em in the closet, er, cupboard," winked Lindsay, "and they'll _have_ to make out! It's a rule." Lindsay nodded sagely.

"But what in the world would ever prompt them to go into that stinky closet?" asked Kelly. "It's not like they are hiding from an alien, and the reason they go into cupboards in the first place is to hide."

"But...what if...they _thought_ they needed to hide from an alien? A really, really slimy, big, snarling, gross alien?" suggested Steph, scowling while making claws with her hands.

"Oh, I like this idea!" chimed in Jan, pouring a glass of watermelon-kiwi flavored Arbor Mist. "Hold on." Jan pulled her Tardis-themed iPhone from her pocket and called her husband. "Hey Time Lord, could you do me a favor? A really big favor? Would you go down to the costume store, and rent this costume?" She pulled her phone away from her ear, touched the screen a few times, and hit send. "Buh bye now." She ended the call, and turned towards her friends, holding up her phone. "Get a load of this. One ugly alien, coming up."

KK * KK * KK

"Rose, Doctor, quick! In here! You'll be safe!" hollered Steph as the pair of space travelers came careering into the suite

They were still in their swimming suits, and seemed to still be in a foul mood from their ordeal in the swimming pool. With one hand, Rose held a towel close to her body, and the other was firmly in the Doctor's grasp as he tugged her along. He pulled her into the closet, errrr, cupboard, and the distinctive whirring sound of the sonic screwdriver was heard. The latch was engaged. Jan and Lindsay looked at each other, nodded, and pushed a desk in front of the door.

"You two cozy enough in there?" asked Steph before she tittered a laugh into her hands.

"Peachy." From the sound of the Doctor's voice, he seemed irritated. "Ouch! You stomped on my toe!" he hissed at Rose.

"Well I'm sorry," she replied, sounding just as irritated, "but this cupboard isn't exactly bigger on the inside! How do ya want me to stand? On my head?"

The pair stopped talking, and the friends looked at each other with questioning eyes.

"I think it's working," whispered Jan, pressing her ear against the thin wood door.

"Do you hear any slurping sounds?" asked Steph hopefully, hands clasped to her chest.

Jan focused, calling upon her finely-tuned eavesdropping skills, honed from years of spying on her...eccentric neighbors. With a heavy sigh, her shoulders slumped. She slowly shook her head. "If I were to guess, I'd say they were mad at each other. I can feel the tension seeping through the door."

"Enough! I'm taking over this operation," bellowed Kelly. With a verve usually reserved for a Time Lord, Kelly stepped forward, threw back her shoulders, and pushed the heavy desk aside. "Ladies! Watch and learn." She knocked on the door - three firm raps...and waited...

When she got no answer, she sighed. "Look, I know you two are pretty upset with us for torturing you all evening..."

"Oh, 'torture' is such a strong word!" the Doctor called from inside the cupboard.

"Speak for yourself!" Rose huffed.

"I promise, my friends have only been trying to help. Do you promise to listen if I let you out?"

"Promise!" they chorused.

After moving the furniture and pulling open the door, the Doctor and Rose stood there, hands crossed over their chests, giving everyone very well-deserved annoyed looks.

"Look," Kelly said, taking their hands and leading them over to the sofa. "The thing is, Doctor, we know you're in love with Rose."

His eyes went wide as everyone nodded. He tugged at his ear nervously. "Wot? I mean...really, you..."

Kelly ignored him. "And Rose, we know you're in love with the Doctor."

Rose flushed a brilliant red but didn't say anything in response.

"And we really just want you two to be happy. So we've been trying to push you into making a move and..."

"Oh, blimey, now that it's out in the open, I can't hold it back anymore!" the Doctor interrupted. He grasped Rose's hands and gazed deeply into her eyes. "They're right, Rose! I am so in love with you that I can hardly think straight. Every moment I'm not with you is a moment _wasted!_ I can't do this anymore! I can't keep pretending!"

"Oh, Doctor!" Rose wailed, throwing herself into his arms. "I love you too! I can't believe I held off telling you this long!"

"Oh, Rose!"

And finally, finally, _finally_...they made out. A lot.

Kelly turned to her friends, face triumphant. "Let's just give them some privacy, shall we?"

"Shut the light out before you leave, Doctor!" Jan called as the five extremely giddy women headed up to the second floor master bedroom of the suite.

"Oh, and Doctor?" Marilyn called.

He mumbled against Rose's lips. Assuming this was a response, the five women looked at one another and nodded.

"Take the lever on the right!" Kelly added.

"Mmmhmmm!" he mumbled, still occupied with making out with Rose.

They sighed, hoping that his massive Time Lord brain could heed their warning.

KK * KK * KK

One year later, the friends had once again gathered to celebrate Kelly's birthday. As they giggled and caught up on the latest gossip, the last sound the expected to hear rang out through the suite.

Suddenly, the TARDIS materialized and the Doctor stepped out, grinning from ear to ear and a very pregnant Rose toddled out behind him.

The women all squealed appropriately and hugged, and the Doctor and Rose thanked them repeatedly for all they had done. The Doctor had apparently known what they meant when the moment happened and had indeed heeded their warning, taking the clamp on the right. He was able to hook his foot around the lever and pull it back into place, securing Rose's place at his side forever.

"And it turns out, she can't die!" the Doctor grinned, pulling her into his side. "And Bad Wolf made her genetically compatible with me and now we're having a _baby! _Isn't that brilliant?"

"It's a dream come true!" Jan cried.

"Just like something out of a fairy tale!" Marilyn exclaimed.

"Or a fanfic..." Steph muttered under her breath.

"Anyway, we just wanted to say thanks," Rose told them, smiling brilliantly. "We'll leave you to your party!"

As the couple entered their ship and it dematerialized, the five friends shared happy grins. All was right with the world, and they made a pretty awesome team.


End file.
